Why am I gay? Why me? Why can’t I live ‘normally’ like my straight friends? Will I ever get married and have children? How am I going to tell my parents that I like guys and I will never get married with a girl? There are tonnes of questions in my head and have no f*cking idea what the answers are. I am lost.. I am tired… really tired... There are so many WHYs in my life and at times, I feel useless and stupid… I feel like I am such a failure in my life to a point I thought of ending my life a few times and not worrying about anything ever again. What's the purpose of living? To be discriminated? To be stigmatised? To be judged?
I don’t understand why God makes me a gay person and why do I have to go through all these bullshits in my life. I get really annoyed when I hear people saying that being gay is a choice, a lifestyle, a fad, a trend and what have you. Are you serious? It would be a very stupid decision for someone to choose to live a life that is full of discrimination, oppression, stigmatisation, and unfairness. Whilst I agree that I can ‘choose’ my ‘lifestyle’ but... I can't ‘choose’ my ‘sexual orientation’. I like guys and I like penises. That’s it!
When I was in my youth age, I did try and have a relationship with a girl, just to see if I was 'really' gay. Guess what? I failed... terribly… I failed to get my dick up and running. I wasn’t aroused at all she went completely naked in front of me. I felt disgusted and uncomfortable when she touched me… What did I do? I pretended that I was comfortable. I falsely reassured her that I love her. I lied to myself and kept telling myself that “I am normal and I am not gay”. I slapped myself numerous times when I thought of guys in my head, I punched myself every time I finished watching gay porn, I felt upset and ashamed of myself when I felt attracted to a guy, and many more. I did some pretty nasty things, not to others, but to myself, just because I didn’t like the fact that I was gay and I hated my life back then.
Now, I feel a bit more comfortable with myself and my sexuality. Most of the time, I don’t really give a shit to what people say or think about me. If they have an issue with my sexuality, well… I am sorry, there is nothing much I can do to make them 'feel better' and I would suggest that they either do some work within themselves and accept me for who I am OR just f*ck-off. Life is already hard and I certainly do not want negative people in my life. What’s wrong of being ourselves? Why do I have to get people’s approval to be myself? What makes me less worthy than those who are so called ‘normal’? At the end of the day, we are all human beings. Why can’t we just be more gentle and accepting towards each other? So what if I am gay? How does my sexuality affect other people's life? I pay my fair share of taxes, I do my grocery shopping every day, I have coffee with my friends, I spend time with my dogs, I exercise regularly, I like to go to the beach and the list goes on... My sexuality doesn't change who I am and I get on with my life just like everyone does. The only difference is that I am into guys.
I really wish that one day, the society can truly accept and embrace diversity instead of pretending to be nice and say the ‘right thing’ just for the sake of saying it. I could not believe that in Australia, at the moment, people are still debating about Marriage Equality. For f*ck sake, just move on and get it done and dusted. I am so sick of hearing all the argy-bargy from politicians and organisations such the Australian Christian Lobby. Just shut up and mind your own business, and let us marry who we love. Stop telling us that we are not good enough and that marriage is not for us. Be gentle and kind, please...